Having had about a week to recover from a significant depressive episode I have realized a few things. When I am in depressive swings I am completely irrational. I am driven by dark emotion that consumes me. Perhaps you have felt this way yourself. I don’t take into consideration how my swings impact the ones I love. I am very selfish in my bipolar swings. I try not to be but all I see is how I struggle. My family is long-suffering in their love and support of me. As my wounds began to heal up I started looking at how to heal the relationship with my family. I scared my daughters and made them worried that I wasn’t coming home. I scared my husband and made him contemplate a life without the woman he loves. My parents and brothers losing their only daughter/sister to her own hand. There are so many people I would devastate but in my selfishness I see only how I suffer. Every day I battle with bipolar and PTSD. Sometimes, the struggle gets so overwhelming the thought of going on seems to impossible a task. They say God only gives you what you can handle. He must think I am Wonder Woman! As much as my family sees my battles they will never truly understand them.
I sit here looking at my grandson sleeping with his beautiful, innocent face. He tells me the Firefighters came to make me better. I have put him through this at 2yrs old. I told him I was at the Boo Boo Store for a few days so I could get all better. He missed me and cried for me each night. I hate that I put my family through that. How do I deal with the next time emotional and physical pain take over during a depressive swing? The coping mechanisms I have learned are great but when I am overrun by irrationality and emotion how do I stop it? I need someone to just hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Let me cry until I hiccup and have snot running all down my face. Being able to be that vulnerable and trust someone to accept that part of you is such a difficult thing for me. I was raised in a way that no one likes sad Nomie. My darkness was something I was supposed to hide. Only happiness was accepted. I am still struggling to accept that darkness in myself and trying to trust others with my vulnerability.
Find someone you can be your true, authentic self with. Who accepts you for all that you are, shortcomings and all. When you find that person, cherish them. Few people in this life are able to be there completely for another without selfish motivation. When you find those rare diamonds hold onto them and cherish them for the beautiful gift that they are.
Update on the medication prohibition: When any vet is marked as a suicide risk the VA’s policy is to immediately cut off any controlled medication for a minimum of 90 days. Since I am an injured vet who uses pain medication that means I was left without any medication. Currently, I am seeking assistance through another doctor. Until then, I have found alternate means of pain management. While I understand the VA policy I don’t agree with it. They should allow for 10 days scripts that require a mental health evaluation before the next script is given. Something other then just cutting a person off of medication they need. Until those changes are made I have to accept my responsibility for the part my actions played in this outcome.
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