The days before I was medicated I may have done some crazy things. I know I did. When I was manic I was quite the party animal. I was unreliable and hard to deal with if I wasn’t getting my way. This destroyed the trust of a lot of people in my life. Since then I have sought help and have been doing well. Staying relatively even keeled I have learned that I need to rebuild that trust with my family and friends. It’s hard because they assume the next time I am manic I will revert to my old ways. It is through constant behavior and transparency that I have had to slowly regain their trust. Yes, I still get manic but not like I used to. Therapy has taught me a lot about my behavior and how to keep myself in check. Financially, I trust my money with my husband so that I can’t go buy a whole bunch of stuff when I am manic. I have built in supports to help prevent me from doing wild things when I am manic.
This has taken a lot of submission on my part which does not come easily to me. I have submitted to allowing my husband to handle the finances. He is great at it, but I still battle with wanting control. I want to control the things around me but in order to regain trust with people I have to submit to certain things to show them I truly care more about their trust in me then whatever whim I have at the moment. I talk openly about the desires I am facing and how I plan to overcome them. Through my actions I prove over and over that I have chosen a different path for my life. It’s frustrating when those insecurities I have created in others surface and are pointed directly at me. Am I going to start drinking and partying again? Am I going to spend a lot of money again? Will I behave erratically again? Sometimes, I feel like all the changes I have made are for naught: since it has been years since I have had any relapses but the insecurities and doubt in my behavior are still there.
It takes a lot of dedication to regain trust. It takes commitment even in the face of doubt. Is it really worth all the trouble to regain someone’s trust? For me it is. The people whose trust I am working to regain are essential to my life. They are the foundation of my life. For them, I would gladly walk the fire over and over to regain their trust. That doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged from time to time about what an arduous process it is. How slowly it is to regain trust but how quickly one can lose it. So I keep working on it. Decision by decision, I keep true to my path and hope to see trust and faith restored in me. I do question at what point the issue is no longer one I can control or help versus what they have to do. I can make all the right moves but unless they can forgive and take the chance of trusting me again it won’t matter. This is where I am at. I have made a lot of great strides, but some people still can’t let themselves trust me. It hurts and discourages me but that is their right. I made the decisions that broke those bonds and now I must live with the fact that some people will never trust me again. I don’t know what to do about that. That is assuming there is something I can do.
How do you work on regaining trust from others? What do you do when there is nothing else you can do and the decision is left to the other person whether or not they can trust you again? How do you handle their decisions?
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