Today is one of those days. You know, you aren’t in a depressive state but you just feel drained. Every limb is lead. Your brain feels foggy. Motivation is an elusive mistress who is not returning your calls. You want to be productive because your alternative is staring at a ceiling all day, staying in bed, or absently watching TV. People talk to you and all you hear is Charlie Brown’s parents in your head. I am not happy or sad. I am just here in this limbo state where I don’t feel much except this blah feeling. When I am like this I want something to numb this feeling. I don’t drink so that is out. I don’t do drugs so that won’t work. Although, I can see the lure of it in these moods. I don’t have the motivation to get into the car and go for a drive with some music pumping through me.
So here I sit, wondering what to write because I want to document these episodes. They can be so frustrating and demoralizing. Is this a step into the depressive state or is it just a normal day? My frame of reference is through a bipolar spectrum, not as an average person without mental health issues. I can’t imagine a life like this. When these moods strike, which isn’t often, I long for a good manic episode. I won’t stop taking my meds, but I want a refuge from this feeling. I see why self-medication is such a problem with bipolar patients. Why would anyone choose to stay in this mood if there is another option available to them? Those movies of people doing things like drinking, drugs, and sex become romanticized in this mood. If only those were choices. I made those choices a long time ago that they weren’t options for me.
Whenever people attempt to engage me in conversation I am mostly irritated at the invasion in my mental space. I don’t want to listen. Sometimes I want to talk but about what is a whole other issue. I mostly keep to myself because honestly, most people probably won’t want to hear what runs through my head. Not that what I think has no value, it’s just that boring someone with my thoughts is something I reserve for my therapist. I close with this. This is only a day in my life. It will get better and maybe tomorrow will be when it gets better. Until then I will hold on and make the most of what I can out of this day such as this blog post.
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