Hello Darkness My Old Friend

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Today has been a tough day. My husband wanted to talk with me about some things that had been bothering him. He started talking and I just got so angry. I felt like everything he was saying was boiled down to “this is your fault”. He tries his best to understand me but no matter what I tell him he will never truly get what it’s like living with bipolar disorder. The up’s and the down’s. Why I get so sensitive to things. He needs to confide in me, to get things off his chest but all I hear is how I am not good enough. I am not there for him enough. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be that good wife who attentively listens to her husband, says all the right things, eases his mind, hugs him, comforts him, and helps him to relax his heart and mind? Instead, I am insecure and wondering why he is even with me. I don’t have anything to offer him except my brokenness.

When we met I was a strong, independent woman who loved life. I didn’t know a stranger and was very outgoing. We would talk all night about various topics and just laugh. Then things started to shift. I started to change. Now he is my caretaker. The woman he fell in love with is a faint memory. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason he stays is because he hopes that woman will come back. I wish with all my heart I could be that woman for him again. I would love to laugh and talk into the wee hours of the morning again. I would love to be on his arm as we go in to meet up with friends and enjoy some dinner together. How great would that be! Instead, he takes me to my appointments and keeps track of my medications.

Some days, I contemplate leaving. Not because I don’t love him but because I love him so much. I want more for him than this, than me. I want him to be happy. To enjoy life with someone who will bring out the good in him. The happiness and smiles that I haven’t seen in him for a while. I know being in a depressed state does this to me. I think about how much better off people in my life would be if I just packed up and disappeared. The problem is, I am selfish. I want him with all my heart. I want to wake up next to him and grow old together. I want to watch our children and grandchildren grow older together. I don’t know what the right answer is here. All I know is I love this man.

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