Ever wake up to find yourself wishing you could just disappear? I woke up at 2pm only to be exhausted and want to go back to sleep. Darkness and despair swallow me up. I am numb to the things around me yet everything seems like it is against me. How do I go on? I am blessed with a very understanding and supporting husband who takes care of me. Cooks me meals and brings them to me in bed when I am incapacitated like this. He cares for me like a feeble child unable to care for themselves. I resent needing the help. What kind of wife, mother, and woman am I to be like this? What value do I bring my family, my community, the world? I sleep excessively trying to avoid everything. I hole up in the bedroom and don’t interact with anyone except my husband who brings me food and checks in on me. Having attempted suicide before he doesn’t like to leave me alone too long without checking in on me. I am blessed to have him. I know this and yet I can’t see the light through the darkness.
Sometimes, I get so upset that I start getting overwhelmed with anxiety to the point I will start throwing up. What kind of life is this? I ask myself if it is even worth living. Sometimes this lasts a day, sometimes it lasts a week. The depression is maddening and consuming. Will I ever come out of it? It doesn’t feel like it. Then one day I will feel a little better. The clouds will start to part and each day after gets a little better. These depressive states take over and can literally make the most capable person become an invalid. What do you do when this happens? Seek help! From a friend, a loved one, or even a suicide hotline. Talk to someone. The last thing you want to do is reach out but that is one move you need to make. Ground yourself to someone who will remind you there is a tomorrow and it can be better then today. Make an appointment to see your provider and start the process of getting help. These episodes can get better with the right treatment plan. There is hope.
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
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